She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
