It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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