If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize