I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
