I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
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You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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