I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Alive.
So much puke
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
