Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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