I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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