Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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