see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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