at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
