Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
