It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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