I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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