By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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