we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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