I am in a vortex of obligation.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
