he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
