I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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