home. puking in laundry basket.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
