I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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