The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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