remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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