Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
