Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
