Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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