Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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