WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
