I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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