I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
