He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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