I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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