Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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