I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
