I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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