Please, let me fuck your mom
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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