I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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