I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
