i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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