I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
