Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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