By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
