You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
