Your dad touched me again.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
