why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
