Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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