He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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