Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
