I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
