oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
