I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
