True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
