I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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