omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
love makes seman taste better
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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