You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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